With the Notting Hill Carnvial only days away, I felt the need to not only educate you guys (booooring), but offer you some friendly tips for the day. I was going to offer separate tips for people that are black and those that aren't, but then I thought why? Can we not all be one?
THE BORING (YET VERY IMPORTANT PART).
The annual event which first began in 1965, takes place in West London over two days (Sunday and Monday)during the month of August. Since that point on the joyous street congregation hasn't looked back. Once holding the title as one of the largest street festival's in Europe, the Caribbean inspired celebration has managed to attract around 1.5 million followers. This should not come as a surprise as the fumes of freshly cooked foods dancing through the air and the masses of beautifully chosen costumes are enough to attract even the most skeptical of audiences... (Continued, but can not be bothered to put up the rest...sorry)
THE GOOD PART.
Now, the brainy crap is over, we must delve into the most important part..CARNIVAL ETIQUETTE. You are probably wondering why the hell you need to be instructed on how to do the whole carnival thing right? Well I don't care at present time, but you will be thanking me later. So sit back and relax as these tips are sure to bring out the jerk chicken in you.
POINT ONE: GET THERE EARLY!
Now, us youths seem to run on a different time zone, the 'yeah I'm 5 mins away', however you damn well know you are still calling from your house phone! That game only works when you're planning to go somewhere that doesn't contain a large number of black people in a confined space... however carnival is a whole new ball game. Now when I say early I mean early, you need to be up quicker than a man who just overdosed on Viagra. No joke. Do you know how hard it is to squeeze past 10 couples who decide it's alright to dry-frig in the middle of a busy street...Believe me its very hard...however it beats watching another dry Eastenders Omnibus.
POINT TWO: PUBLIC TRANSPORT MATE.
Now, me being the age I am, I have no CHOICE but to take public transport. HOWEVER, In a few months that shall change so go frig a Punto you drivers. This one should have been obvious, I mean, unless you're turned on by the idea of driving
your BMW into little children dressed up as swans and shyte there's no reason for you to drive. With that in mind, make sure you plan your journey, you know...how you will get there, get back and stuff. This really should be done the night before...yet, the driving over innocent kids thing is sounding kinda tempting. No lie.
POINT THREE: DON'T BRING VALUABLES.
I will never forget the time my friends phone got taken by the male she was dancing with...she swore it was love, and he swore it was her phone and money.how I laughed and laughed. Yet, after the laughter, I realised it really wasn't that funny...well, not to her at least. This is a simple tip, don't bring anything you know your parents will flykick you for losing. So instead of bringin a digital camera, opt for a disposable (YES, they still sell those and YES, I do still use them). Instead of bringing your mobile, take change and find a phone box. Instead of paying their rip off prices, cook your own chicken and bring your own drinks...I don't do that, by the way.
POINT FOUR: KNOW YOUR TOILET.
Now, this is the hardest part of carnival as, when nature calls believe you best be answering that phone. I usually would suggest trying to hold it, yet with all the excitement you're waters may break, and believe me, the only yellow-ish liquid I wish to be stepping in is Appletiser. If you're a pimp like I, you will bring with you
1) a novel (who knows how long you will take in the toilet), preferably Romeo and Juliet...romantic shtye.
2)Oust, spray before as you don't want to be inhaling someone elses solids!, Also, for after you do your thing, however, if you are reeeal evil, don't bother spraying after...the person after you should have gone toilet before they left, they must learn.
3) Your own tissues, call me picky but if the paper is not of Andrex quality...two words...ARMS-FRICKIN-HOUSE...well that's kind of three words.
Also, as you all already know NEVER SIT DOWN ON A PUBLIC SEAT!!Unless you enjoy trading bumsweat.
STEP FIVE: MERK THE POLICE.
When I say merk, I mean merking on the dancefloor. I don't hate the police, I just don't like them alot. However, when it comes to carnival all stereotypes somehow disappear. Believe me its a great feeling, its like Elephant Man meets The Bill. Plus, no one can ever tell me getting taught how to Duttywine by PC Randoff wasn't the best experience in my life. No, I don't get out much.
STEP SIX: ENJOY YOURSELF
Now, with all the tips and tasks its easy to forget the main aim of Carnival is to enjoy yourself. So, just relax and do ya thing. Take note, with gun/knife crimes going on its important to keep yourself extra safe. Also, to all those wanna be badkids out there, UNLESS YOU ARE ABOUT TO CARVE A TURKEY OR DECIDE TO DO A SPOT OF FOX HUNTING AFTER THE CARNIVAL, THERE IS NO NEED TO CARRY ANY HARMFUL 'INSTRUMENTS'.
You may see me...you may not. So no rude activity..well not until I arrive.
Also, deodorise.That is all.
THE BORING (YET VERY IMPORTANT PART).
The annual event which first began in 1965, takes place in West London over two days (Sunday and Monday)during the month of August. Since that point on the joyous street congregation hasn't looked back. Once holding the title as one of the largest street festival's in Europe, the Caribbean inspired celebration has managed to attract around 1.5 million followers. This should not come as a surprise as the fumes of freshly cooked foods dancing through the air and the masses of beautifully chosen costumes are enough to attract even the most skeptical of audiences... (Continued, but can not be bothered to put up the rest...sorry)
THE GOOD PART.
Now, the brainy crap is over, we must delve into the most important part..CARNIVAL ETIQUETTE. You are probably wondering why the hell you need to be instructed on how to do the whole carnival thing right? Well I don't care at present time, but you will be thanking me later. So sit back and relax as these tips are sure to bring out the jerk chicken in you.
POINT ONE: GET THERE EARLY!Now, us youths seem to run on a different time zone, the 'yeah I'm 5 mins away', however you damn well know you are still calling from your house phone! That game only works when you're planning to go somewhere that doesn't contain a large number of black people in a confined space... however carnival is a whole new ball game. Now when I say early I mean early, you need to be up quicker than a man who just overdosed on Viagra. No joke. Do you know how hard it is to squeeze past 10 couples who decide it's alright to dry-frig in the middle of a busy street...Believe me its very hard...however it beats watching another dry Eastenders Omnibus.
POINT TWO: PUBLIC TRANSPORT MATE.Now, me being the age I am, I have no CHOICE but to take public transport. HOWEVER, In a few months that shall change so go frig a Punto you drivers. This one should have been obvious, I mean, unless you're turned on by the idea of driving
your BMW into little children dressed up as swans and shyte there's no reason for you to drive. With that in mind, make sure you plan your journey, you know...how you will get there, get back and stuff. This really should be done the night before...yet, the driving over innocent kids thing is sounding kinda tempting. No lie.
POINT THREE: DON'T BRING VALUABLES.I will never forget the time my friends phone got taken by the male she was dancing with...she swore it was love, and he swore it was her phone and money.how I laughed and laughed. Yet, after the laughter, I realised it really wasn't that funny...well, not to her at least. This is a simple tip, don't bring anything you know your parents will flykick you for losing. So instead of bringin a digital camera, opt for a disposable (YES, they still sell those and YES, I do still use them). Instead of bringing your mobile, take change and find a phone box. Instead of paying their rip off prices, cook your own chicken and bring your own drinks...I don't do that, by the way.
POINT FOUR: KNOW YOUR TOILET.Now, this is the hardest part of carnival as, when nature calls believe you best be answering that phone. I usually would suggest trying to hold it, yet with all the excitement you're waters may break, and believe me, the only yellow-ish liquid I wish to be stepping in is Appletiser. If you're a pimp like I, you will bring with you
1) a novel (who knows how long you will take in the toilet), preferably Romeo and Juliet...romantic shtye.
2)Oust, spray before as you don't want to be inhaling someone elses solids!, Also, for after you do your thing, however, if you are reeeal evil, don't bother spraying after...the person after you should have gone toilet before they left, they must learn.
3) Your own tissues, call me picky but if the paper is not of Andrex quality...two words...ARMS-FRICKIN-HOUSE...well that's kind of three words.
Also, as you all already know NEVER SIT DOWN ON A PUBLIC SEAT!!Unless you enjoy trading bumsweat.
STEP FIVE: MERK THE POLICE.When I say merk, I mean merking on the dancefloor. I don't hate the police, I just don't like them alot. However, when it comes to carnival all stereotypes somehow disappear. Believe me its a great feeling, its like Elephant Man meets The Bill. Plus, no one can ever tell me getting taught how to Duttywine by PC Randoff wasn't the best experience in my life. No, I don't get out much.
STEP SIX: ENJOY YOURSELFNow, with all the tips and tasks its easy to forget the main aim of Carnival is to enjoy yourself. So, just relax and do ya thing. Take note, with gun/knife crimes going on its important to keep yourself extra safe. Also, to all those wanna be badkids out there, UNLESS YOU ARE ABOUT TO CARVE A TURKEY OR DECIDE TO DO A SPOT OF FOX HUNTING AFTER THE CARNIVAL, THERE IS NO NEED TO CARRY ANY HARMFUL 'INSTRUMENTS'.
You may see me...you may not. So no rude activity..well not until I arrive.
Also, deodorise.That is all.
No comments:
Post a Comment